Insomnia
by MrsDarcyuk
Summary: Hmmm, how to sum up this fic? Luka, Luka, Luka, Luka, Luka, Luka, Luka. Oh, and possibly a little more Luka. Chapter 9; ‘One guess which recently disabled surgeon is the ‘things’ she needs to take care of,’
1. Chapter 1

Insomnia

Author's Note:

First of all, please don't be put off by the sexual content of the first chapter, although there will probably be some more throughout the fic, it won't be a frequent thing (sorry to disappoint some of you ;)). It just seemed like an appropriate way to begin the story since Luka's sleeping around was a significant part of the problems he went through, and is also significant to the story.

This is my first fanfiction so I would appreciate all reviews, whether they are simple encouragement, advice and constructive criticism, or even of the 'please-spare-us-and-stop-writing-now' variety.

As the summary suggests, this fanfiction is set mid/late-Season 9 and is based around the problems that Luka faced around this time. It is however, a completely different version of events that take place after Luka has returned to work but before he goes to Africa.

This fic is not particularly Luby (not yet anyway . . . ;)), and certainly not Carby, but does cover the effect Luka's failed relationship with Abby had on him, and Abby's current struggling relationship with Carter. NO SPOILERS

Disclaimer - I don't own any of the ER characters, but this story is completely my own and features no scenes or quotes from the show. It does however contain references to previous events in the show, particularly those in Season 9.

* * *

Chapter 1

Luka lay perfectly still, the sound of each slow, deep breath echoing loudly in his ears against the empty silence, his hearing heightened by his blindness in the dark. He slowly turned to face the source of the noise. A noise which in the past had brought him warm comfort, but now only left him with a feeling of emptiness, and deep, painful regret. The faint but harsh neon glow of the streetlight, which invaded the room through the thin gap in the curtains revealed her silhouette, and the rhythmic movement of her chest which accompanied each peaceful, sleep-fuelled breath. His eyes narrowed, watching her in the dark. The occasional flutter of her eyelids, her slightly parted lips. And as he studied her he was suddenly overcome with the feeling that he was somehow violating her. That just by watching her as she slept, an act which should surely be profoundly intimate, he was invading her privacy. He couldn't help but smile wryly at the irony of the thought. After all, two people couldn't really get more intimate then they had last night. And yet while they had shared an act which could have been intimate, should have been intimate, it hadn't been. Their sex had been fervent, but cold, satisfying, but callous, and he had only been left feeling hollow and drained. Despite the countless nights of going home with strangers he'd met in bars, he couldn't remember the last time sex had left him feeling truly satisfied. No matter how good the physical pleasure, being with not one of these women had actually made him happy. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever feel that way again.

As he remembered the night before he found himself studying her further. The single sheet that covered her clung to each and every curve of her body, hiding nothing. His eyes glided down her. Over her full breasts, down her flat stomach, and further. He recalled the softness of her skin, the way she writhed in pleasure underneath him as his hands slid over her. He might be unable to make a woman truly happy, but he knew he could please her sexually. At least he had that, he thought, not all men could say that. The thought did not comfort him. Before he realised it, he had inadvertently aroused himself with his thoughts of their passion.

He glanced at the clock. 3.36am. It was usually around this time that he would give up on getting any sleep and leave, long before the woman who's bed he was in, whoever she was, would awake. He didn't feel any guilt. He didn't allow himself to. What was the difference anyway? He could wait until she awoke, but his awkward goodbye wouldn't leave her in any more doubt of his feelings, than his quick escape already did. The only difference would be her embarrassment if she had a different idea of the situation. His cold logic allowed him to think that he was somehow sparing her. Sparing them. But he never really believed it.

He could leave now, he thought, but he was unable to shake the desire that had clawed its way back into him. The strong, sexual desire for her body, and for her body alone, that he knew would refuse to leave him until it was satisfied.

Slowly, he edged closer to her sleeping form and lay on his side, propped up on his elbow beside her. He very gently ran his fingers down her, on the top of the sheet, and she stirred under his touch. He slid his hand under the sheet, and gently caressed her breasts, his eyes never leaving her face, which gave a slight frown and moaned softly, but didn't lift itself from sleep. He trailed his fingers further down her body, and she gave another short moan, her eyelids fluttering open, as he slipped his fingers inside her.

* * *

Her confusion from having woken to find a man touching her increased alarmingly when she realised she didn't know who he was. She lay frozen under his unwavering gaze as her mind pieced together the confusing flashes of memory from the night before. He watched her, completely expressionless, as the memories came together to form a clear picture of the how she had come to be here with this man. Only one thing escaped her. His name. She could now recall every word of their short and infrequent conversation, but she couldn't remember his name. She wondered if she had ever known.

An oddly disconcerting thought occurred to her. He must have seen a change in her eyes as she overcame her initial bewilderment, because just as she regained her memory of their night together, he gently rolled his body onto hers and pushed himself inside her.

* * *

Once again he lay perfectly still listening to her breathing. He waited until it fell into the same slow, steady rhythm that came with sleep and then rose from the bed. He quickly dressed and used the bathroom. He stood at the foot of the bed and watched her for a moment. The bedside clock read 4.09am. He left.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for your reviews. I would have submitted a reply but I am unable to do so due to computer problems. For the same reason I was unable to review your own fanfiction _Hotter Than July_ girlintheyankeeshat, which I enjoyed very much and actually only finished reading last night. I have also read and enjoyed some of your fanfiction Naomi, and I am very grateful to receive reviews from writers I admire.

I haven't read any of your fanfiction Kimbari as I am not a fan of Cordano, but like you yourself said, I am a fan of good writing and from a quick glance at your work it is clear that you certainly provide that. I will definitely have a further look. Thank you for you advice, it is both welcome and greatly appreciated. Especially the grammatical corrections, as grammar is something I struggle with and often disagree with Microsoft Word over, particularly my addiction to commas. As you can see, I also took your advice over the rating of this piece. I had originally thought I might later want to include something that would require an R rating, but reconsidering this I think it unlikely. I think my style of writing is probably provide vague hints, whether it be of sex or violence, rather than go into detail. I also took your advice on writing an outline of the plot and ended up with a story very different to my original idea!

* * *

Chapter 2

Susan ran as fast as she could without falling through the ambulance bay and into the ER to escape the torrential rain that had been pouring down on the city for almost four days now. Ignoring a nearby cleaner's angry shouts, she shook off a surprisingly large amount of water in the entrance and then strode up to the admin desk, dumping her dripping bag in font of a smirking Frank.

'Did you take a nice stroll to work this morning Dr Lewis?'

'No, just a quick run from the El. You know me Frank, I'm a great advocate of regular exercise.' Her self-mocking grin disappeared as she glanced up at the board. 'What?! Surely this place should be dead. Who in their right mind would risk getting washed away into Lake Michigan only to come here?'

Frank looked at her pointedly.

'I said _in their right mind _Frank. I think the fact that I work here proves that doesn't include me.'

'Nor me. Anyway, we _were_ dead until half of the inner-city clinics in Chicago declared themselves closed due to flooding. Then we got flooded. With a few hundred degenerates who use a touch of flu as an excuse to cash in on all the free drugs they can get their hands on. I've already had to dispose of three who didn't know the meaning of the word 'no', and one homeless freak who tried to take a nap in the lounge. I wouldn't go near that couch until the exterminators have had a look at it if I were you.'

Susan sighed despondently as she peeled off her sodden coat to find all of her many layers of clothes clinging damply to her shivering skin. 'I'm going to change into something dry.' She glanced up at the clock which revealed that she was now three minutes into her shift. 'Is Weaver around?'

'No she's AWOL as usual, but Romano's on the prowl for an excuse to fire someone.'

'Since when does he need an excuse?' Susan walked into the lounge and turning the light on. She jumped at seeing Luka sat on the couch, blinking furiously from the sudden brightness.

'What are you sat in the dark for?' She teased, hanging her coat over the heater, and walking over to her locker.

Her inexplicably cheery mood was not put-off by his lack of response. 'You know, if you're looking for somewhere to sit and contemplate the meaning of life or whatever, you should probably find someplace else. From what I've heard about that couch from Frank, it's not safe.'

Luka looked up at her but didn't return her smile, and didn't bother to ask her what she was referring to. He rubbed his eyes and peered into the dregs of his coffee, which Susan could smell from across the room.

'If that won't wake you nothing will.' She said, wondering how long she would continue to make friendly small talk with herself.

'A few hours sleep might.' Luka said, standing slowly, stretching, and then moving to make himself another cup of caffeine.

Susan laughed, mostly with relief that she at least hadn't had to resort to interpreting Luka's characteristic grunts. 'You haven't a chance, not with the increasing number of people coming to seek shelter from God's rain of terror.' She grinned at her own joke, but if Luka had got it he didn't show it. 'How long have you been leading the Ark?'

'Since six this morning.'

Susan glanced at the clock automatically, despite already knowing that it was just gone six. 'Shouldn't you be finished now then?'

'No, I'm working the double.' He gulped down another steaming cup of what to Susan looked like mud. 'Only another twelve hours to go.'

Susan took in his dishevelled appearance. His eyes were blood-shot from lack of sleep and far too much caffeine, and he had week-old stubble. 'You should catch a few hours. I'll cover for you.'

Luka smiled wryly. 'What? You mean you'll cover my ten patients, the ten Carter is about to dump on you and the few dozen more waiting in chairs? You really are in a good mood today.'

Before Susan could respond, Abby burst in and Susan realised for the first time since she'd arrived just what she looked like. Abby's hair was plastered to her face, which looked incredibly small and pale against her darkened hair and her black coat that was pulled up around her neck tightly. The scrubs she had decided to wear to work, to save time changing because she was late, were a filthy brown colour all the way up to her knees from running through dirty puddles.

Abby came to an abrupt halt in the doorway. 'I'm late.'

Susan laughed. 'Me too, but I've seen the board so I think I'm going to hide in here until Carter comes and physically drags me out.'

At that moment the door swung open once more, hitting Abby who stumbled slightly. If Carter noticed he didn't show it. He stood in the doorway, one hand propping open the door, the other on his hip. He didn't look happy.

'What is this? Susan, your shift started five minutes ago. Which means mine finished an _hour_ and five minutes ago.'

Susan hung her head sheepishly. 'Sorry Dr Weaver, I mean Carter.'

Abby laughed but quickly stopped when Carter shot her a vicious look. 'Just hurry up, all of you.' Carter said. 'It's slammed out there, there's a trauma coming in in five, and I don't want it.' He turned and left.

Susan turned to Abby. 'What was that about?'

'I think he is just tired. He's been on since five, and he did a twelve hour shift yesterday.'

'That's not what I meant. What was that between you two?'

'What do you mean _that_? What was what?'

'Oh come on Abby. Did you two have a fight?'

Eager to find any distraction to spare her from answering Susan's probing questions, Abby turned away and noticed Luka watching her intently. He immediately looked away embarrassed, then turned to leave. 'I had better get back to work.'

'Is he okay?' Abby asked, her eyes still on the door Luka had just left through.

'I don't know. He look's pretty rough, but then so do you.'

Abby laughed. 'Thanks.' She said, not as sarcastically as Susan thought, since she was very grateful that Susan hadn't noticed the sudden subject change. She really didn't want to have to explain the whole mess to Susan. She didn't think she could explain it anyway; she couldn't even get it straight in her own head. 'You don't look so great yourself.'

'What are you taking about?' Susan exclaimed with fake surprise. 'Drowned rat is a very fashionable look I'll have you know.'

Susan paused in thought. 'Seriously though, I don't know.'

Abby frowned. 'Don't know what?'

'I don't know about Luka. He was acting pretty weird before you came in. I mean I knew he'd been depressed lately, but I thought he'd got over it. I mean, he came back to work when we all thought he'd left didn't he?'

'Maybe he needed the money.' Abby cared about Luka, but she had enough of her own problems to deal with right now. Besides, Luka wouldn't accept anybody else's help. She'd tried talking to him before and he'd only ever been dismissive and even annoyed. She thought back to Susan's Christmas party. He'd been willing to talk to her then, but she hadn't let him. She'd known what he was going to say. Was that what this was all about? The obvious depression which had affected his work quite badly over the past few months? No, she thought, chiding herself. The way he had acted that night had been drink-fuelled, and he'd certainly not given her any reason to think he still held feelings for her since then.

'Probably.' Susan said thoughtfully, interrupting Abby's thoughts. 'In which case maybe he's still not over it.'

'It's nearly quarter past six. We should get to work before Carter really gets mad.' Abby said, quickly changing the subject before Susan could suggest that she try and talk to Luka about it. That was the absolute last thing she wanted to do right now. The thought of it made talking to Carter while he was in such a mood look appealing.

'Oh god you're right!' Cried Susan. 'We had better send Carter home. I'd rather do double the workload than work with him when he's in that mood!'

* * *

Luka wasn't sure how he had got through the shift. The last twelve hours, which at the time had dragged by with endless queues of complaining patients, were now nothing but a blur. It was finally over, but as he sat on the bench outside he couldn't bring himself to move. The dampness from the wood seeped through his clothes, the only evidence of the rain which had finally broken after four days. Now there was no sign of a cloud in the clear blue sky and the morning sun shone unbearably bright, reflecting from every angle off the thin sheet of April frost which covered the ground and giving the deserted ambulance bay an eerie glow.

Forcing his aching muscles to move, Luka stood up and began to walk slowly in the direction of his apartment, thankful that he didn't know of any bars that were open at this time.

* * *

Twelve sleepless hours, half a bottle of whisky, and innumerable cups of coffee later, Luka was on his way out of his apartment when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He winced at his appearance. The shower had failed to wake his bloodshot eyes or brighten his scarily pale colour, and shaving had only succeeded in making his face look even gaunter. There was no denying how ill he looked, and with the dizziness and blurred vision returning he wondered if he was maybe coming down with flu. No, he thought, he was just suffering from not having more than a couple of hours of sleep a night. He wasn't sure how long he could carry on like this. But he knew it certainly couldn't be long. 


	3. Chapter 3

Thankyou for your reviews, they are much appreciated :)

* * *

Chapter 3

Luka noticed her before she did him. He bowed his head slightly and looked down into his drink, unsure of why he didn't want her to see him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the blurred motion of someone sitting down next to him.

'Hi.'

He looked up to see her smiling tentatively at him. Her eyes betrayed the anxiousness she felt behind the seemingly confident action of approaching him. He forced himself to smile back and this seemed to ease her awkwardness. She didn't seem to notice his own discomfort.

'You left in a hurry the other night.' She said, her voice forcibly light.

Her words surprised him and the underlying question in her words hung in the air between them.

'It's okay.' She said quickly, clearly worried by his lack of immediate reply. 'I'm glad I bumped into you again.' She paused again, embarrassed. 'I'm afraid I don't remember your name.'

'Luka.' Had this been their first meeting he would have found her shy, awkward ramble rather sweet. Instead it only made him feel more uncomfortable. This was not a woman he normally spent the night with, and nor was it the woman she had been last night.

She smiled again. 'I'm Kate.'

'I know,' he lied.

She averted her eyes, embarrassed. 'You know, I was pretty drunk the other night.'

The apologetic tone of her voice confused Luka. It wasn't that he hadn't had a one-night stand with a woman who later regretted it, because he had. It was just that on these occasions he had found that if he did happen to speak to her afterwards, which in itself was rare, her guilt was usually in the form of anger towards him. He had always found that quite understandable. He too felt anger at himself for doing what his conscience constantly reminded him was a disgraceful act, and one which he used to think himself was incapable of. It struck Luka that not only was Kate embarrassed about what had happened between them because it was not something she usually did, but also that she assumed it was the same for him. He found her misguided faith quite endearing, but it also deepened his own feeling of guilt.

'I mean, I'd had a huge fight with my boyfriend and . . .' She trailed off, seeming surprised herself by the unintentional revelation. Her natural honesty made him smile. She noticed this and continued to stammer in her embarrassment. 'Not that that matters, it's just . . . I didn't want you to think I normally took complete strangers home. Not that I'm suggesting you do . . . I mean . . . I'm sure you don't . . . I just . . .'

'Can I buy you a drink?' Luka interrupted her, almost as desperate to end her unease as she was. He was rewarded with a grateful smile.

'Yes, thank you. I'll have a dry cider.'

Luka called the waiter over and ordered their drinks.

There was another awkward pause in which both of them drank at quite an alarming rate.

Feeling he should give her a break and take his turn at filling the silence Luka blurted out 'Why did you fight with your boyfriend?'

Kate looked up at him, startled at the question. 'Oh, it was just . . . nothing.' She laughed wryly. 'We had a lot of arguments about nothing. Anyway, it doesn't matter now. It's over.'

She smiled nervously. 'What about you?'

'Huh?'

'I mean, are you in a relationship?'

'No,' Luka said. 'No I'm not.'

Luka looked at her and she smiled. It was still a shy smile, but was unforced and genuinely warm. He noticed how her smile heightened her cheekbones and the way the warmth of it spread to her eyes. She saw him studying her closely and she blushed slightly. He admired the way it brightened her pale skin. Luka found himself remembering all the reasons he had found her so attractive the night he had met her in this same bar. Upon realising that he was still watching her, he quickly turned away. His rational mind told him he should leave now, but he made no move to do so. He instinctively knew that if he suggested they leave together she would not refuse him, and yet he couldn't help but feel she would be left with a different idea of their situation. Making his excuses now would be the only way to ensure he didn't end up hurting her, and after their short but oddly intimate conversation the thought of doing that pained him even more so.

Luka stood up abruptly and she looked up at him surprised. Her eyes questioning.

'Have you eaten?' He asked.

* * *

_Luka froze when he saw her. About a hundred yards away and walking in the opposite direction. Only short glimpses of dark hair cascading over a scarlet red coat as she weaved in and out of the bustling crowd, and yet it was unmistakably her. He began to run. Pushing his way through swarms of people, unselfconsciously calling to her. Seeing that he had already halved the distance between them he shouted her name as loud as he could. She didn't turn. Nobody turned. Even as he forced them aside violently the people seemed unaware of him, unaware of anyone else as they hurried away. Shoving his way through, he momentarily paused as a woman fell to the floor. She picked herself up and carried on without a glance at him. As he looked up he was startled to find she was no longer there. She had disappeared, having been only yards away from him, and now the street was deserted. He was standing completely alone, and with only a quick glance up at the houses which lined either side of the road, he instinctively knew that they too were void of life. He began to cry._

Luka was woken by the sound of soft moaning. He lifted himself up onto his elbows and squinted in the darkness at the motionless form occupying the other half of the bed. As his eyes adjusted he could see her sleeping calmly. He fell back down onto the pillow and felt it's dampness against his cheek. Had he imagined the sounds? Dreamed them? Or had he been making them? As his mind began to recall vague, slightly disturbing images from the dream, Luka quickly decided against it and squeezed his eyes closed tightly, shutting out the memories. When he opened them again he studied the familiar surroundings. He was pleased to note that it was her bed they were lying in, having recalled a time in the evening when she had suggested they go back to his. Had she been thinking the same thoughts as he had? He couldn't leave in the night if they were at his place. He rolled onto his side and looked at her. She lay on her back, her hair splayed across the pillow. Her face was turned towards him slightly and she was in a deep, restful sleep. He tried to remember what that felt like, but failed. He wondered what it was that allowed a person to sleep so calmly. Was it happiness? She hadn't seemed happy. Maybe it was a clear conscience. That was another thing he beginning to lose the memory of entirely. Well, whatever the reason, he knew he would not sleep again tonight.

He glanced at the clock on the beside table behind her. 2.49. He rose and dressed.

He stood at the end of the bed and watched her sleeping. So calm. So still. If it hadn't been for her soft, steady breathing he might have wanted to check her pulse. For a few minutes he stood there, watching her, unable to pull himself away. She looked so beautiful as she slept.

He was careful to close the door quietly as he left.


	4. Chapter 4

Well, my chapters are pretty short, but I'm churning them out fast. I'm at college a week on Monday and I don't know how much time I'll have to work on this then! Anway, thank you all for your reviews, they're much appreciated. And thank you for sticking with it (I hope this isn't too premature!). I know it's a slow burner, but I promise you this is going somewhere and I do know where that is!

* * *

Chapter 4

Susan walked into the exam room to find Luka sat next to his patient, his eyes focused on the old man's cold, lifeless face, his thoughts obviously far away.

'When did he code?

Luka jumped slightly. He hadn't noticed Susan come in. 'Sorry what?'

'Your patient. When did he code?'

'Err, a few minutes ago.' Luka didn't really remember. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting here.

'Are you okay?'

Luka looked up at Susan. Her face was etched with worry. He shifted under her unfaltering gaze, her obvious concern for him made him uncomfortable. Did she think he was upset at losing the patient? He hadn't been thinking of that at all. Hadn't even noticed he was staring at the dead man. His mind had been elsewhere. Lost in the thoughts that almost suffocated him each night. Thoughts of everything, and yet nothing in particular. The past. The War. Memories of it used to plague him in nightmares. But that's all they were. Nightmares. Then he would wake up and they were gone. That was his past and he knew it would never leave him, but he also knew he could get on with his life in the present. He didn't know that anymore. The nightmares now came to him when he was awake and they crept into his head, winding themselves into his everyday life, until he didn't know where they ended and reality began. Not that reality was much better. Get up, go to work, to a bar, to someone else's bed. He didn't know how long he could bear going on like this. He didn't know how to stop.

Suddenly realising how lost he'd let himself get; he forced himself back to reality. He got up and stretched slightly. 'I'm fine Susan, just tired.'

She looked far from convinced. He forced a smile. 'Only five hours to go!'

Luka left the room, cursing himself for letting Susan see him like that. He couldn't imagine what she was thinking. She probably thought he was going crazy. Maybe he was. The truth was it had always been like this. He just hadn't let it take over him. Until now. It had been a long time since he felt truly happy, but there had been points since then where he'd come close. There was Carol, but he'd always known that couldn't work out deep down. Known that he wanted it far more than she did. And that it was _it_ that he had wanted, not her. He had needed someone. Anyone. And then he'd had Abby. But she'd never had him, not really. And she knew that. He'd never let her in. God, he hadn't even really tried, just went on deluding himself that he could be someone else for her. She'd known it wasn't him. And then Nicole. At the time it had seemed like another nightmare, but this time real. Only it wasn't real. Looking back, he almost wished it had been. If he'd had a child to look after then maybe . . . maybe things would have been easier. He would have had a purpose. His purpose used to be his work. No matter how bad things got outside that, it was always work that had kept him going. Parts of his life that he'd always managed to keep apart weren't staying that way anymore. The edges all blurry. Things had only got worse, and he hadn't been able to prevent them from affecting the way he was at work. The way he did his job. He could see it in people's eyes. In Susan's eyes just now. Yes, they were worried about him. But they were also worried for themselves. Worried that they would at some point have to be the one to judge whether he was competent. To convince him to leave. He'd tried leaving. Tried taking time off, but it hadn't changed anything. He had thought he needed time to sort things out, but the truth was he didn't even know how.

Once again, Luka dragged himself out of his own thoughts. He strode quickly past the admin desk and didn't turn as Frank called his name. He knew what it was about. He didn't need this now. He didn't need this at all. He couldn't think straight. The dizziness that had intermittently plagued him throughout the day was worsening.

He walked to Curtain Two and picked up his patient's chart. He had to squint to make out the words, which refused to stay still on the page. 'Has the nurse not come to take a urine sample yet Mrs Buckley?'

'I aint pissin' in no cup. No nurse is goanna make me piss in no cup.' Mrs Buckley declared loudly.

'We need to take a urine sample to find out what's wrong with you Mrs Buckley.' Sighed Luka impatiently, already exasperated from having had to persuade his seventy-four year old patient into letting him examining her.

'My chest hurts. An' my head hurts. My whole body hurts. I got a cold an' a sore throat. I don't need to piss in no cup. I know what's wrong wi' me. I got flu. Jus' give me some medicine an' I'll get better.'

'I have to diagnose you properly before I can prescribe anything. And anyway, Mrs Buckley, if you do have flu, which you probably have, I can't give you any antibiotics.' Luka repeated for about the tenth time that day.

'What?! I've been here three hours now! Three hours before I got a doctor. I need that medicine to get better.'

'Mrs Buckley, antibiotics don't help with the flu. The flu goes away on it's own.' Luka was now more than tired with arguing with patients about this. If he didn't already know that all the inner-city clinics were closed, he would go to each one and give the idiot doctors who had been giving these people drugs for the flu a piece of his mind.

'The medicine always helps me when I got flu. My doctor always gives me the medicine when I got flu. I want another doctor! I want an American doctor!'

Luka could feel his anger growing and was glad that the patient causing it was an elderly lady; otherwise he might not have been able to control his fury. 'You can't have another doctor.' He was almost shouting now. 'All the other doctors are busy treating idiots like you who also have flu but are too stupid to just stay at home in bed!'

'You can't talk to me like that! You aint no proper doctor! I don't want you as my doctor!' The old lady's shouts were drawing attention from surrounding patients, and even a couple of nurses had stopped to watch the commotion.

Luka took a deep breath, forcing himself to speak calmly. 'Well that's fine with me. I'm discharging you. All you need is to go home and rest for a couple of days.' He turned to one of the nurses who were staring openly. 'You. See that Mrs Buckley's urine sample is cancelled and that she vacates this bed. We need it for real patients.'

'I want another doctor!'

'Then you'll have to go back to triage and join the back of the queue!' Luka yelled, and with that he spun around and left the room.

Luka walked straight through the ER, practically having to push through the crowd of people demanding that Frank tell them when they'd be seen. He walked straight into the lounge and to his locker, took off his lab coat, put on his outdoor jacket and slammed the locker shut. He paused, unable to keep his balance from increasing dizziness; he leant against the locker, the metal cool against his forehead, his eyes closed.

He heard the door open.

'Are you alright Luka?' He turned slowly. Susan was in the doorway, looking confused and very concerned.

It was a few seconds before he felt he could talk without his voice shaking. 'I'm fine. But I think I'm coming down with flu. I'm going to have to go home.'

He walked out before Susan could protest, took Mrs Buckley's chart, which he was surprised to find still gripped tightly in his hand, and slammed it down on the desk I front of Frank who was holding the phone in one hand.

'Doctor Kovac, a Kate Russell on the line for you.' He said, rather loudly, more than happy to share the information with whoever might be around to hear. This is the _fifth_ time she's called today.' He continued, the volume of his voice growing slightly, aware that he had a small audience.

Luka, who had been looking away as if unsure whether to ignore Frank completely, looked up at him and the few nurses who were watching. Chuni, Malik, Abby and a few others he recognised but didn't know by name. They all quickly looked away. He could feel Susan's eyes on his back.

It felt like a long time before he could summon his voice. It could only have been seconds. 'I'm leaving.'

'But your shift hasn't finished yet.' Said Frank slowly and loudly; as if he wasn't sure Luka could understand him.

Luka turned and walked straight out of the ER without looking back.


	5. Chapter 5

Wow. Couldn't write this with without saying that I've just read Chapter 20 of Naomi's _Circles. _I had been looking forward to an update for a few days now, and certainly wasn't disappointed, but talk about a cliff-hanger! Anyway, I wanted to mention how much I'm enjoying that story, since Naomi is one of the people who has been reviewing mine and I am still unable to post reviews because of a technical fault. Thankyou to everyone who has took the time to review this story, your thoughts are much appreciated. :)

* * *

Chapter 5

As Luka signalled to the waitress to bring him his fourth drink, well, fourth drink in this bar anyway, he noticed that his surroundings were taking on an interesting hazy quality. In the same way the waitress had done with the three before it, she leant forward as she set the drink down in front of him, practically pushing her large bust in his face and smiling flirtatiously, and in the same way _he_ had done with the three before it, he blatantly ignored her silent invitation.

Glancing behind her to ensure that her boss was out of sight, the waitress purposely turned her back to a customer who was vainly trying to catch her attention. 'Are you waiting for someone?' She asked, in reference to his constant glances at the doorway.

'No.'

She smiled. 'You know, I'm off in a couple of hours. We could get a drink or something.'

'I don't think so.'

'Well, you have a couple of hours to think about it.' She said, reluctantly walking away to serve the man who was now shouting to her irately.

This seemed like a good time to leave, Luka thought. He glanced at his watch. He had been sat here drinking in solitude almost two hours now. And he'd been in the previous bar longer than that. Christ, what was he doing here? He had a shift in the morning. Not that they would be expecting him to actually turn up, he thought ruefully. They probably wouldn't be surprised if he simply took a week or so off and then turned up for a shift as if nothing had happened. As tempting as the thought was, he knew that he wouldn't do that again. The time off hadn't solved anything before, so why would it change things now? It wouldn't. He knew that despite everything he would do the only thing he knew how to do. Carry on. And hope for the best. He laughed wryly, which earned him a suspicious look from the man sitting to his left. Carrying on and hoping for the best might be his only real option at the moment, but even that was futile if he was going to end up collapsing at work from exhaustion. The solution to _that_ problem was sitting on his bedside table at home, and had been for several days now. He hadn't yet been able to take them. Sleeping pills wouldn't stop the nightmares. They would just stop him from waking up and escaping them. He would wait until tomorrow night when he was off the next day, he thought. That way at least he wouldn't end up sleeping through a shift. No matter how much he stressed the rationality of these thoughts to himself, he simply couldn't ignore the fact that he was afraid. A womaniser, a heavy drinker, a bad doctor _and_ a coward, he thought sorrowfully. Jesus, he was a catch.

Conceding that he might as well _try_ to get a few hours sleep, he downed the last of his drink, stood up and made for the door. As he was about to open it, it was pushed inwards from the outside and there she was. The woman he had been telling himself he wasn't waiting for as he sat in the bar all night.

After overcoming the initial shock, she smiled hesitantly. 'I thought you might be here.'

'I was just leaving.'

There was a pause as she waited to see if he would invite her to leave with him.

Understanding that he wasn't going to, she took the lead. 'Would you like to stay and have a drink with me?'

No, he thought. No I wouldn't. I have to work in the morning; this is the last thing I need.

'Okay.'

She led the way and they sat at a table in the far corner of the dimly lit bar. She sat looking down at her hands and made no move to order a drink, but he couldn't help but notice that her breath suggested she had already had quite a few. She sat waiting for him to speak. Knowing what he would say.

'You shouldn't phone me at work.'

'You didn't return my calls.'

'That's not the point.'

'What is the point?'

'The point is, you shouldn't phone me at work. What do you think it looks like when a woman calls me _five_ times in one shift.'

'It wouldn't look like anything if you had just come to the phone.'

'I couldn't talk to you there. I have to work with these people Kate. What would they think?'

'I don't know, maybe that you'd slept with a woman you didn't know and were trying to avoid her.'

He cringed at hearing her speak the ugly truth. He didn't want it to be true. He wanted more than anything to be intimate with a woman in a way which wasn't purely sexual, but he just didn't think he was able. Maybe it was the fear of getting hurt. The knowledge that the closer he allowed himself to get to a woman, the more it would hurt when it ended and he was left alone. Again. He hadn't let Abby get too close to him, but he hadn't been able to prevent himself from getting too close to her. He had been attracted to Abby, but he had also admired her and allowed himself to care for her. He couldn't allow himself to do that again. The one-night stands were a distraction, and even provided an odd sort of comfort, but most importantly he knew he was safe. The women he slept with were just bodies to him, and he knew he was the same to them, and because of that he felt the same contempt for them which he felt for himself. Kate was different. She had been looking for comfort another person, but she needed more comfort than meaningless sex could provide. She needed him, and no matter how much he tried to ignore it, her need drew him to her. He wanted to be the person she needed. He just didn't know how. And he knew he would end up being just another in a long line of men who had hurt her. As much as he didn't want to hurt her, he knew there was no avoiding it. The only thing he could do was get it over with now, and prevent the pain from dragging out.

He turned to look at her. She shifted uneasily under his daunting gaze.

'What do you want Kate?"

She tried to force a mischievous grin and she opened her mouth to make a suggestive reply but his harsh look caused her to falter. Her smile disappeared and she seemed suddenly unsure of herself. He watched her, his gaze steady, and saw the hope in her eyes that he was somehow playing with her slowly diminish. She looked away, embarrassed.

'Nothing, I just . . . Nothing.' She said almost inaudibly. She stood abruptly and left.

A wave of guilt ran over him and he opened his mouth to call to her but she was gone. The thought that he could run after her occurred to him and was dismissed in the same moment.

It was better this way.

* * *

Luka walked slowly in the direction of his apartment, taking a long route down bar-lined streets, part of him wishing he would bump into her. Tonight was the first night in a long time he would go home alone, and he found it strangely daunting. It was odd that having a complete stranger there, as he lay awake in bed could provide a type of comfort, but that's what it did. It didn't rid him of the loneliness he felt, or the memories that plagued him, but having them there, being able to feel there body warmth as they slept reminded him that no matter how much it sometimes felt like the opposite, he was alive. And whilst he was alive it wasn't over. There was still a chance, however miniscule, that he could regain at least some of the lust for life that he had felt so long ago. After all, he had been here before. He had been in the depths of despair, where the anguish was so severe that death appeared an escape. But he hadn't died. He had pulled through. And it had taken some time, but he'd come to feel again. He hadn't thought he'd ever be able to love another person like he'd loved his wife and children, but what he'd felt for Abby had certainly come close. And yes, he'd lost that opportunity to become that close to someone again, and it was one more thing which tormented him each night as he lay awake, but the pain served it's purpose. It reminded him that he had come close to putting the past behind him. It reminded him that he was still capable of loving someone else.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

'Just wait here, I'll go and get you a gown to change into.'

'When do I get to see a doctor?'

'Dr Lewis will be with you shortly.' Abby replied, leaving the room. If your definition of _shortly _is a couple of hours, she thought dryly. She herself was struggling to care for far too many patients, and she knew Susan was in the same situation, the only difference being Abby had just begun her shift and Susan had been going all night.

Abby walked straight to Curtain 3 and changed Mr Simmons' IV. Then she picked up an emesis basin, a suture kit and a gown from the supply cupboard. She gave the basin to Mrs Peterson in Exam 2, set up the suture kit next to Mr Goodman in Curtain 4 and practically threw the gown at moaning Mrs Norton in Exam 1. She picked up Mr Wright's chest film and walked into the hall.

'Hey, Susan. Over here.'

Abby held the chest film up for Susan to see.

'Oh Christ.' Said Susan, not enthused at having to break the news to the pleasant old man.

Abby didn't need a doctor to tell her that the film showed Mr Wright more than likely had lung cancer. And that it had spread. A lot. Abby's fourth terminally ill patient since she had begun her shift two hours ago. God I need a cigarette, she thought.

As Susan took the chest film and went to share their discovery with Mr Wright, Abby walked through to chairs and surveyed the chaos. Jerry was busy trying to calm a drug-seeker and stop a kid from stealing his doughnuts simultaneously. Abby snuck past and into the lounge. She grabbed her cigarettes from her coat pocket in her locker and darted towards the ambulance bay before anyone could notice her. As the doors opened a sharp blast of cold air hit her and she paused in the doorway, contemplating running back for her coat, before deciding it was not worth the risk of getting caught and being dragged back in. She wrapped her arms around herself and ran out to a small spot against the wall which wasn't visible from the ER and also provided some shelter from the fierce wind. She certainly knew all the best places to steal a quick cigarette, she thought with wry pride.

As she lit up she noticed Luka sat across the bay on a bench, he didn't seem to have noticed her, his gaze fixed on a spot a few metres ahead of him on the ground. She walked over and stood on that exact spot. Whatever was engrossing him so was obviously in his head, as he hadn't noticed the pair of feet appearing in his eye line.

Abby took in his unkempt appearance and the dark circles under his eyes. 'Luka?'

He looked up at her blankly, as if unsure how long she had been trying to communicate with him.

'You look like hell.' She stated bluntly.

He gave a small smile.

'If you have flu you should go home.'

'I don't have flu,' he said. 'I'm just a bit tired, that's all.'

She sat down next to him and took note of how he didn't offer her his coat. Not that she would have accepted it, but it did strike her as out of character for him. His eyes returned to the same place on the ground, and, she guessed, his thoughts to the same place in his head. She noted how he looked even worse this morning than he had the past few days. She wondered if he was sleeping. She knew Luka had nightmares, she'd witnessed some herself, but she hadn't seen them affect him like this before.

'You really don't look well, why don't you go home? People would understand.' Abby said, secretly doubting that even the ever-caring Susan would understand if she had to take his shift, which she inevitably would if he did leave.

'Are you just finished?' Asked Luka, purposely ignoring her question.

'No, I've only been on a couple of hours,' she replied, sighing. Well, she couldn't force him to talk if he didn't want to. At least she'd tried. Sort of.

'I didn't think you were on today.'

'I wasn't. I swapped my shift.' Said Abby shortly, knowing full well where this conversation was headed.

If Luka heard the cold tone of her voice it didn't deter him. 'Why?'

'It was inconvenient.'

"Are you avoiding Carter?' Luka blurted the question out as it occurred to him, surprising himself a little.

Abby took a long drag on her cigarette and deliberately avoided his eyes. 'So what if I am?'

Luka didn't know what to say to that. He figured that the two of them were having problems, but knew it wasn't his place to pry.

'I had better get back to work,' he said.

He stood up and left Abby sat alone, quietly wishing he _had_ pried. Well, she thought, rather disappointedly, he obviously had enough troubles of his own without having to worry about her.

* * *

Luka walked into the ER and slipped into the lounge unnoticed. He quickly discarded his things in his locker and walked back out, he paused in the doorway, taking in the familiar anarchy of the ER. Jerry was having a heated argument with a patient who was yelling that he was in immense pain, and behind him a young boy was sat on the floor in the middle of admin eating his doughnuts. Luka quickly walked though admin, grabbing a chart and reaching down to steal a doughnut from the box the kid was holding on his way. He glanced at the chart and headed for Curtain 2, pleased with having gone undetected.

'Luka!'

Luka halted only inches away from his destination, annoyed at having come so close. He slowly turned around and put on his best fake smile for the short redheaded doctor.

'Has my watch stopped?'

'Excuse me?' Said Luka, confused at Dr Weaver's humour which never even seemed to amuse herself, never mind anybody else.

'With the way you're skulking around avoiding me I would have though you were late, but my watch tells me you're almost half an hour early.'

'It's busy.' Said Luka, hoping the irrelevance of the words would tell her that he wasn't at all in the mood for an inquisition.

'I was informed that you left yesterday with flu. You must have made a quick recovery.'

'Yes.'

'You don't look good. I don't want you working if you're going to infect the patients.'

Luka knew that that was Kerry's way of saying he could take the day off if he felt he needed it.

'I'm fine, Kerry.'

Weaver paused, unsure of whether to pursue the conversation. She must have decided that it wasn't worth the bother, because she turned and walked off without another word.

Luka watched her leave and then turned back to where he was headed.

'Right Mr Fletcher, what seems to be the problem?'

* * *

Luka glanced at the clock. 7.30. He'd been on barely two hours but it felt more like twelve. His whole body ached from exhaustion and an overdose of ibuprofen had done nothing to stem that _or_ the throbbing headache which seemed to worsen with each passing minute. He was having trouble hiding the dizziness that caused him to pause in the middle of something, and his squinting at things because of blurred vision was earning him suspicious looks from the nurses _and_ the patients. There was no getting round the fact that he couldn't last much longer without some sleep, but he was determined to make it until the end of the shift. If he could just last ten more hours he would be able to go home, take a handful of pills and sleep all day tomorrow. He knew that he would be better off leaving now, after all he wasn't much use in this state, but something in him made him want to hang on just that little bit longer. It wasn't about proving to people that he wasn't unreliable anymore, though that _was_ a part of it, if he did leave most of them would more than likely think he was ill. No, it was more than that. He needed to get through this, and he didn't think he could without his work. He _had_ to stop this from affecting his work. He _had _to get through this shift.

* * *

Susan glanced at the clock. 7.30. She should have been off an hour and a half ago. She should be at home getting some well-needed sleep. Instead she still had seven patients to finish up on, and not only could she not find anyone to dump them on, she was being dumped herself.

'Jerry, where the hell are all the doctors?'

'Weaver disappeared upstairs, and Kovac just ran down that way when I told him there was an ambulance coming in.'

'A trauma?! Well you had better find one of them now Jerry because there's no way in hell I'm taking it.'

At that moment the paramedics brought their patient in themselves, announcing their arrival loudly.

Susan threw the charts she was holding down on the desk angrily and ran over to them.

'What have we got?'

'Twenty-nine year old woman found unconscious in her own home, a neighbour called 911 when he noticed her apartment door was open and went in. He said she came around after a minute or two, but we don't know how long she was out for before that. Her vitals are stable, and there are no signs of seizure. No major trauma either, just a few bruises.'

Out of the corner of her eye Susan spotted Luka. 'Hey, Luka! Get over here!' She yelled. 'I already have too many patients and I shouldn't even be here!'

Luka jogged over but froze in his tracks a few metres away. Susan looked up to see what the problem was and saw that his face had turned ashen, his wide eyes on the woman on the gurney.


	7. Chapter 7

This has been a long while coming, I know, but something really odd happened to me this week. I got a life. As well as that I have struggled with this part of the fic a little. I find myself spending a lot of time, not writing a whole lot. Anyway, this chapter is short because if not it would have been _really _long.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and offered their advice, it is much appreciated. Believe it or not, I am reading your fanfiction too, but I am unable to review at all and am getting very angry with the people at who don't reply to my emails. Anyway, I'll say it on here, since I know that some people, if not all that many, are still reading this. As well as _Circles_ by Naomi P, I am also enjoying _Pillow_ by me.apparently, _The Burn_ by girlintheyankeeshat, _Oblivion_ by VjeraNadaLjubav, both _Things Will Never Be The Same Again_ and _Fear of Flying_ by Mrs Clooney _Husbands & Wives, Friends and Ex-Lovers _by Imagine 6, _In Care of Thee Rhubarb Tart _and finally _Life_ by gezzy.

And now you know why it's taking me so long to update!

Oh, just thought I should mention that I have no medical knowledge whatsoever, but did research (watch ER) the elements I would need to make this chapter fairly accurate. Obviously I will have made some mistakes, and I would appreciate people pointing them out if they can so I don't make them again.

One last thing, I'm English. So if I have made some errors in language, I would appreciate that being pointed out also. I did change _torch_ to _flashlight_, but then afterwards wondered if there was another word for the type a doctor uses . . . Oh and I had a funny feeling Americans wouldn't say _dressing gown_, but I couldn't think of an alternative so left it as it was.

* * *

Chapter 7

Luka considered pretending he hadn't heard Susan calling to him and making a run for it, but the angry tone of her voice told him that was not such a good idea. He turned and saw her leaning over someone on a gurney that the paramedics had just brought in. God, he really didn't need this. He had only been on a couple of hours and he was already a member of the walking dead. The patient really would be better off with Susan as their doctor and she had been on all night. He wished he had gone home. Well, there was no getting around this now, maybe he would leave after this patient.

He jogged over to them but froze when he saw her. She was in a half-sitting position on the gurney, and wearing only a thin dressing gown which she had pulled around herself tightly. Her eyes were half closed and her face looked deathly pale.

He blinked twice, almost hoping he was imagining her. He wouldn't have been surprised if he had been what with the state he was in, but no, she was still there, and the shock in her eyes as she looked up and saw him forced him to accept he wasn't looking at someone else.

Before he knew it, he was at her side, looking down at her.

'Kate? What happened? Are you okay?'

* * *

Susan looked up, and the confusion she felt at Luka's knowing the woman's name quickly subsided as she took in the mixture of shock and worry that was clear on his face. She glanced down at the woman, who looked ghastly pale and was shaking a little, and obviously avoiding Luka's eyes. She was laid slightly on her side with her legs half pulled up to her, in what looked a very uncomfortable position. Her arms were around her middle, holding the short dressing gown in place, which exposed a scatter of small bruises on her long legs. A few small cuts could also be seen on her neck, and one cheek looked quite swollen. Susan groaned inwardly, she had seen this before, and if Luka knew this woman he _really_ shouldn't be her doctor.

Susan spotted a flash of blue scrubs out of the corner of her eye.

'Abby!' she yelled. 'Can you take this woman to Trauma two? I'll be there in a second.'

Abby jogged over, looking from Susan to Luka, who was taking in the patient's cuts and bruises in shock. 'Sure,' she said, pushing the gurney away with the help of the paramedics.

Luka moved to follow, but Susan caught his arm. 'Luka, do you know her?'

'Err, yes. Is she okay? Did the paramedics say what happened?' His eyes darted back and forth from Susan to the direction Abby had just taken the woman. Susan noted how distressed he looked, and the worry in his eyes.

'Luka, how do you know her? Is she a patient? A friend?'

'Yes. Yes, she's . . . a friend.'

'Well then you shouldn't be her doctor. You carry seeing patients, I'll come and tell you when I've finished examining her.'

'What? No, I'm fine.'

'This isn't just about you Luka, it's what's best for her too and you know it.'

Luka looked down at Susan frowning, and for a moment she thought he was going to concede that she was right, but then he quickly turned and ran down the hall after them before Susan could stop him. Susan had no choice but to follow him, her tired legs protesting angrily. God, this was the last thing she needed.

* * *

Oh God, what had he done? What had _she_ done? Had she gone back to the boyfriend she mentioned once? Had _he_ done that to her? If not, then who? Some guy she met in a bar? Would she really be stupid enough to go off with some creep? Of course she would. She'd gone home with him hadn't she? Maybe she'd been drugged. She looked pretty out of it. But then she probably wouldn't need to have been drugged. She had already drunk quite a bit when he'd seen her. God, why had he just let her go? He'd seen what state she was in, and he'd just let her go. He hadn't even tried to follow her, to walk her home safely. After all, it was his fault she was in such a state in the first place. It was because of the way he'd treated her that she'd been so upset. So vulnerable.

He burst into the trauma room but stopped in the doorway, taken aback by how small she looked on the bed. He heard Susan come in behind him, and quickly pulled himself together.

He walked over to her side. 'Kate, what happened?'

'Nothing,' she said, her voice barely audible, her eyes deliberately avoiding his.

He placed his stethoscope on her chest, and although the action was gentle she winced slightly. He slowly moved her gown a little to reveal a harsh bruise underneath. She made no move to stop him, but turned away, closing her eyes tightly.

'I feel okay now, I just fainted,' she said without conviction. 'I want to go home.'

'Kate, you were unconscious for a bit. We need to do some tests to make sure you're okay,' said Luka softly. 'Abby, how is she?'

Abby paused momentarily, confused by the situation. 'Err, BP's 100 over 60, SATS are good.'

Luka gently turned Kate's head to face him and checked her pupils.

'Follow the light, Kate,' he said, moving the small flashlight from side to side.

'Okay start a second line and put up another litre. Do a crit, tox screen, check her glucose and dip a urine to start.'

He saw how Abby looked to Susan for confirmation, he ignored them both, but thought Susan must have agreed anyway, because Abby got to work. Just then Gallant walked into the room.

'Dr Lewis, there's an ambulance pulling up now. Gun shot victim in a critical condition,' he said.

Susan paused, unwilling to leave Luka unattended. 'Luka, you should take it, I can take this patient.'

'I've got this Susan,' Luka said coldly, without turning to look at her.

'Luka, I think . . .' Susan trailed off, reluctantly accepting that arguing with him was useless.

'Keep an eye on him,' she whispered in Abby's ear as she left the room.


	8. Chapter 8

I know this is going really slowly at the moment, but I'm at college now and struggling to find the time to work on it. Thank you to everyone who is sticking with it.

* * *

Chapter 8

'Keep an eye on him,' Susan whispered in Abby's ear as she left the room.

Gallant moved to follow her, but she gestured that he stay.

'Kate, do you have any chest pain?' Luka asked softly. She shook her head. 'Anything else?'

'My head hurts,' she said, speaking quietly. 'I think I knocked it.'

'Okay, I'm going to have to examine you to make sure nothing's broken or fractured.'

Kate nodded bleakly, her faced still turned away from him, her gaze still fixed to the floor.

He slowly lowered the bed from it's upright position until she was laid almost flat. She turned her head the other way and closed her eyes. Luka forced himself to take his eyes away from her face. She was just a patient. He was just doing his job. He gently moved the dressing gown to expose the bruise on her chest. Remembering that she was wearing nothing underneath, he turned to Gallant.

'Gallant, could you go and get a gown please?'

Gallant paused and glanced at Abby, before realising that he was being asked to leave he room. He nodded and left.

Luka carefully examined Kate's chest and stomach, which was also bruised in places. She winced a little as he applied pressure, but he concluded that despite some severe looking bruises, nothing was broken.

'Okay,' Luka said. 'I'm going to sit you up now.'

She shuffled uncomfortably as he did so, self-consciously readjusting the dressing gown. Luka gently took her chin with his hand and turned her head towards him. He carefully examined her swollen cheek, conscious that she was shaking slightly as he touched her.

'Okay Kate, nothing is broken, but because you were unconscious for a bit you're going to need a head CT,' Luka said. 'Abby, would you call them please?'

'Sure.' Abby glanced awkwardly from Kate to Luka before she left the room, and Luka supposed that Susan had told Abby to keep an eye on him. He didn't really care.

Luka pulled up a stool and sat on it next to Kate so he was at her eye level.

'Kate, what happened?'

Silence.

'Who did this to you?'

There was a long pause before she answered.

'I don't know,' she said, her voice a whisper.

'Tell me what happened,' Luka said gently.

Again she didn't reply. Her face was still turned away from him, but he could see she was crying softly. Luka closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to fight the overwhelming urge to wipe away her tears. He struggled to keep himself together. She needed him to do his job. She needed him to be her doctor. When he opened his eyes he found himself looking straight into hers. Her wide eyes searched his face. Looking to him to help her. Looking for _him_, Luka. Not the stranger who was methodically treating his patient, keeping as detached as humanly possible. She was looking for the man she'd been intimate with. The man who had done, and was still doing, his very best to separate himself from her, and yet she intuitively knew that he wanted to do just the opposite. As wary and suspicious of people in general she felt right now, she couldn't help but feel she could trust Luka. And heaven knows, she really did need someone to trust right now.

Luka had to force himself to not look away, her desperate need tearing at him.

'Kate, were you raped?'

She turned away and he exhaled, breathing rapidly, unaware that he had been holding his breath. She was frowning now, and looking frustrated, almost angry.

'No,' she said with force.

Luka paused, slightly bewildered and lost for words.

She answered his unspoken question.

'It was just sex.'

'Kate, someone hurt you,' Luka said, urgently trying to calm his emotions and the rising volume of his voice. 'Sex shouldn't hurt you like that'

She gave a rueful snort-like laugh. 'Don't you think I know that?' she said, turning back to face him, her own voice rising.

"Then why did you let someone do this to you?' asked Luka, fully aware of the answer even as he spoke the question.

'I didn't _let_ him,' she spat, the growing anger she felt towards her attacker, Luka, and herself finally showing. 'I tried to stop him, I did,' she stammered, the tears now streaming down her face. 'But he was too strong.'

Luka couldn't stop himself from taking hold of her hands, which were now covering her face. 'Then that's _rape_, Kate.'

He let go of her and she sank further down the bed still crying softly, one hand covering her face, and the other wrapped around herself. Once again he found himself wanting to hold her, and he quickly stood up and moved away. He watched her for a while as the sobs slowed and she was silent again. Then he turned to leave the room and walked up to Abby, who was stood outside the door watching.

"Did you call them?' he asked.

'Err, what?' she mumbled, confused.

'CT. Did you call CT?'

'Yeah, but they're backed-up and seeing as she's stable now we're going to have to wait a bit.'

'Okay, would you move her to a free exam? She doesn't need to be in a trauma room.'

Abby nodded. 'Sure.'

'And would you get a rape kit?'

Abby just half-nodded, not surprised but unsure of what to say. She knew that she had to intervene but she didn't know how. As Luka turned to walk away she opened her mouth to speak but didn't need to, as he spoke first.

'I'll go and get Susan,' he said.


	9. Chapter 9

Isn't it odd how you think you're really struggling with something until you actually sit down and try to do it? No? Oh, maybe that's just me then.

* * *

Chapter 9

8.03.

How long had they been in there? He wasn't sure. It felt like an eternity, and yet he knew it couldn't have been more than ten minutes. Probably not more than five. Surely it shouldn't take this long? Unless something was wrong. Would they come and get him if something was wrong? He doubted it. Maybe he should go in. Just to check everything was all right.

8.04.

No, he wouldn't go in just yet. There was no reason to think there was anything wrong. They hadn't been that long really. He was just worrying over nothing. He knew that. And he knew he could trust Susan. She would only be angry if he went barging in.

He glanced at the clock again. 8.04.

Why were they taking so long? Something must be wrong. And he knew they wouldn't come and fetch him if it was. He really should go in and check.

Luka shoved down the untouched coffee someone had thrust in his hands, the cold liquid spilling onto paper-cluttered desk. He didn't hear Jerry's angry cries as he strode purposefully across the hall, unconsciously pushing away people who blocked his path. He reached the door and was about to push it open when he felt a sharp jabbing pain in the middle of his back. He cried out, spinning around to confront his attacker. He found himself looking down on an indifferent-looking Dr Weaver.

'What the hell was that for?'

'Don't pretend you didn't hear me.'

'I _didn't_ hear you.'

'You didn't _want_ to hear me Dr Kovac.'

'What do you want Dr Weaver?' Luka asked impatiently, glancing at the door less than a foot away.

'I want you to tell me exactly what you've been doing for the past half an hour,' she snarled. 'You're only up on the board for seeing one patient, and according to Jerry, Susan Lewis has taken over that.'

'She hasn't taken over,' corrected Luka unnecessarily. 'She's just performing a rape exam.'

'That's not the point Dr Kovac. The point is you're not seeing any patients! Now, I have some things to take care of upstairs, and when I get back I want to see evidence that you've been working your ass off!'

And with that she turned on her heel and stormed off, leaving Luka biting back a snide remark about how often she disappeared to 'take care of things'.

'One guess which recently disabled surgeon is the 'things' she needs to take care of,' quipped a tired sounding female voice from over Luka's shoulder.

Luka spun back around, bringing back the dizziness he had forgotten about this past half hour.

'You're done,' said Luka, glancing back at the closed door.

'Yep,' said Susan, answering what she knew wasn't a question.

Luka looked at her expectantly.

'Well?'

'Well, not much. Nothing unexpected anyway. Yes, she was raped . . .'

Luka winced, partly at the word itself, and partly because some part of him had still been hoping it wasn't true.

' . . . But we knew that already,' Susan continued. 'She'll be okay. More cuts and bruises, but nothing that won't heal by itself. She says she was on the pill anyway. She tested negative for HIV but obviously . . . '

Luka couldn't help cringe at hearing Susan speak so matter-of-factly about Kate. He glanced at the closed door, anxious and yet afraid to go in.

' . . . We did recover semen but it won't be any use if she won't press charges.'

Luka had not been hearing Susan but her words drew back his attention.

'What do you mean _won't press charges_?' Luka demanded.

'I _mean_, she says she doesn't want to speak to the police.'

Luka sighed, frustrated. Once again he found himself staring at the closed door. Susan may be telling him Kate was okay, but he felt a strong need to see it for himself.

'Look, maybe you should talk to her Luka.'

Luka looked at Susan surprised, having expected her to warn him to stay away from her for a while.

Susan knew what he was thinking. 'I mean, she does appear to be coping, but I seriously doubt that's the case. She didn't respond to me, so if she trusts you then maybe she'll listen to you.'

Luka rolled his eyes. 'Strangely enough, I think she does trust me,' he said, speaking mostly to himself, his voice thick with remorse. 'I don't know why. I certainly haven't given her any reason to.'

Susan chose to ignore the personal revelation, which said a lot more than she suspected Luka had intended to reveal. 'Well, I said I'd check on her in a while, but that she should get some rest. I very much doubt she will.'

Susan walked away leaving Luka standing at the door, very aware that he had no more excuses to put off going in.

So he did.

* * *

'I'll be back in a while to check on you, but you should really get some rest,' Susan said gently, de-gloving herself and leaving the room.

Abby raised the bed slightly and shifted the pillows a little. Kate mumbled a bleak thank you and shifted into a half-sitting position with her legs partly curled up underneath her and the sheet pulled around her tightly.

'Do you need anything? Some water? Something to eat?'

Kate shook her head, purposely avoiding Abby's eyes in natural embarrassment at having been examined so personally.

'Do you need to go to the bathroom?'

'No, I'm fine really,' Kate said looking up. The brief eye contact only succeeding in proving exactly the opposite to the experienced Abby.

Abby pulled a stool up to the side of the bed, purposely keeping a short distance so as not to make Kate any more uncomfortable than she clearly all ready was.

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No.' Her voice was soft but firm.

'Some people find it helps.' Abby coaxed gently. 'Keeping it all in can make it worse.'

With her head turned away and her eyes almost glazed over it wasn't clear if Kate was hearing Abby's words, but Abby continued anyway.

'Did you know your attacker?'

There was a short pause before Kate shook her head slowly, confirming what Abby had already known, that she _was_ listening.

'Would you know him if you saw him again?'

Kate looked up, slightly surprised at the question which she had assumed obvious, and a little wary of where Abby was going with this.

'Yes.'

'Is that why you don't want to talk to the police?' Abby pushed gently. 'Are you afraid you'll have to see him again?'

Once again Kate remained silent, but Abby knew enough to take this as affirmation.

'Kate, I can't promise you that you won't have to see him again, but if you do press charges at least you won't have to constantly be afraid of bumping into him on the street.'

More silence.

'Promise me you'll think about it.'

Kate looked up at Abby through watery eyes and opened her mouth to speak. At that moment a sharp creak caused both women to jump in surprise. They looked up to see an equally bewildered-looking Luka stood awkwardly in the doorway.


End file.
